Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
A choir of Spring onions
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?