Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me