My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Fabulous Prime: The Gay Transformer.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.