Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.