@DrakeGatsby

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

You Might Also Like

@jackiembouvier

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

@NicSampson

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

@Eden_Eats

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

@ilovepie84

Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon

@MrBikferd

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@canadian_jane

If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.

@truegritrumble

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.