Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?