Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.