Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.