Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“A little help here, Danny?”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet