Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.