cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*