Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
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23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Dear Lord..
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie