Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.