Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
You Might Also Like
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
me: my friends:
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.