Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

GM✌🏻

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail