Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT