Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.