Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Me when I’m ovulating

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

no

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Doggies just call it style.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”