cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Ummm
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
…u ok Nintendo?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly