cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
You Might Also Like
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat