@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

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@KielyHealey

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@roxiqt

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

@77StephanieG77

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

@SJSchauer

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%