@asaltiercorpse
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
@Skoog
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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@asaltiercorpse
@TheCatWhisprer
I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
@minkpinkustink
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
@Fickle_Filly
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
@causticbob
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
@AudreyPorne
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
@DevilryFun
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
@Darlainky
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
@Try2StopME
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
@TheTweetOfGod
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?