cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin