cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.


I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.


Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou


What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation


If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.


From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.



*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.


*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now