cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
#NeverForget
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.