Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

I’ve been learning to cook.