Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

I put the h in mysterious.

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Can’t, holding a grudge

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.