Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

…

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing