Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault