Me: Whatcha making?
Mom: Dill bread.
Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?
Mom: Get out.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
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Me: Do you have any towels in your room?
My son watching tv: No.
Me: I SWEAR TO JESUS IF I FIND ONE TOWEL IN THAT BLACK HOLE OF A ROOM, I’LL NAIL EVERY PIECE OF UNDERWEAR YOU OWN TO THE TREE OUT FRONT.
My son: Hang on
this makes sense
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt ThE cAt
*Doctor finishes the exam*
“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”
“I’m so mad I could pun-”
*Doctor looks over his glasses*
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?