Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.