If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
cop: do you know why i pulled u over?
me: was i speeding?
me: was my tail light out?
me: is it because u need a hug
cop: also because there’s an arm hanging out of your trunk
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
Trump called Kim Jong Un a “smart cookie.” That’s crazy — he reminds me more of a “murderous soft cheese.”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..
*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”