I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about