Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

🧠

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do