Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.