Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
You Might Also Like
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
LOOOOOOL
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The glockness monster
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.