Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?
Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I try to pick my battles wisely but earlier I slapped a microwave while screaming at it.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?
Farmer: The cattle eat it
Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son