@difficultpatty

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?

Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.

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@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

@DrakeGatsby

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

@CyrusOMerican

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

@delusions_of

I try to pick my battles wisely but earlier I slapped a microwave while screaming at it.

@MayaIsLoading

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

@brynnester

Me: *looking at a barn full of feed* Who’s all that for?

Farmer: The cattle eat it

Me: Wow, that’s one hungry cat

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son