Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

San Francisco has too many rules

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired