Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Air pods looking like an angry frog

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter