Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this