Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.