Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

#milo

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…