Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
(Gaming support cat.)
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Anarchy
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP