Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Not today
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
They’re called werewolves.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.