Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

i think both sides are to blame here

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.