Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
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Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
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50 shades of grey = my Liver
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I just love that new Pope smell.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it