Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
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my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.