Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

The government even made aliens boring

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe