Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Some of y’all tomorrow …

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Basketball games are very squeaky.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.