Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

I wish all tests were things you peed on

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Emma is smarter than all of us.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

murder on the timeline

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?