“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.