Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Best mom ever 😂
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”