Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Breaking news:

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.