Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

do what now??

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing