COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

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Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.


Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.


This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”


Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined


DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no


Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.


According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later


Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.