@tastefactory

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

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@iamspacegirl

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@KentWGraham

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@noogscorner

I wonder if clouds look down on us and say shit like “That one’s shaped like an idiot.”

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

@dlockw21

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@EndhooS

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

@OhNoSheTwitnt

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.