Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

I enjoy a good short stor

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.