COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart