Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

My wife gives the best headache.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

They also CAN sing✌️

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive