COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
*checks Timeline*…
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69