Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

🤣🤣💀

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to