Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter