Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Unexpected Judgment
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.