@OctopusCavemann

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

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@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.

@CelebrityChez

If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@Samzen_

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@lovemyboots111

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.