Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

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[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!


*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”


Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.


If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”


ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…


*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone


World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.


The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.