Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

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Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*



If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.


Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.


5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?



“Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong.” – murderers, apparently.


I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.


3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too


I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up