Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Nomnomnomnom
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.