How about a new eco-friendly car that is powered only by uncomfortable conversation
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery
stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My weather forecast is always “room temperature.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.