Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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How about a new eco-friendly car that is powered only by uncomfortable conversation


Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.


Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now


Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.


Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.


“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”


dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery

stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza


Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.