Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*


Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?


I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.


[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.


GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what


If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.


First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.


wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep