*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]
I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.
GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep