@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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@Home_Halfway

How about a new eco-friendly car that is powered only by uncomfortable conversation

@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

@donni

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@Book_Krazy

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

@lincnotfound

dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery

stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza

@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@i_love_fudge

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.