@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

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@LindaInDisguise

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@Coepacetic

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

My son: Mommy I can’t wait to grow up and be a man.

Me: Don’t be silly son, you can’t do both

@donni

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

@Edie_Is_Dead

Watch as i slowly pull my shirt up over – wait, stuck in the too-small neckhole…struggling…
Okay, dont watch.

@KenJennings

Once my son was shooting nerfguns @ the clock &when I asked why said “bc time killed the dinosaurs.” My kids are never leaving home are they

@LittleMissAngr1

When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.