Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

wait a minute….

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?