Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.