Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

“I’d like to speak with a manager”

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server