Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.