Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…

Her: “Move.”

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter