cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
You Might Also Like
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.