cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?