Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You Might Also Like
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Thoughts
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Isn’t
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars