Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Body by sandwich.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

podcasts

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

bros in the example zone 😭

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch