Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@goldengateblond

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

@michael_J_m00n

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@Angrytrashman

I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.

@LizHackett

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@alexa_alessia

Oh ..your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?:-)

@zandirts

When customers come in 6 hours before closing