Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.


I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.


I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.


*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’



me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening


Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.


An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.


1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe