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@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
@skin_and_i: Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
Me: i give up
4: it's a tiger
@therealeatwood: PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family
EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch?
PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No
@_sweet_ham: Of course I can keep a secret, It's the people I tell it to that can't.
@QwertyJones3: A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
@mantej: Why would anyone ever think gay people tear apart the fabric of society? They love fabric.