Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Somebody’s lying.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’