Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
🙄😏😂🤣
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
#Thanos #MondayMood
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.