COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Cashiers are always checking me out
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”