COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
So sick of all these stupid rules
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me after i passed that state trooper
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.